Every couple who goes to lifestyle clubs now once sat in the car outside one, arguing about whether to go in. This is what is on the other side of the door, from people who have done it for years, so that the first night is about each other and not about the unknown.
Choosing the right club for a first visit
There are two kinds of venue in the club directory. An off-premise club or social is a bar or lounge where lifestyle people meet, dance and flirt, and anything more happens elsewhere afterwards. An on-premise club has play areas on site. First-timers almost always do better starting off-premise, or at an on-premise club's "newbie night", where the staff expect nervous couples and the regulars are used to being asked questions.
Read the listing before you book. Couples-only nights, single-male policies, the cover charge, the membership fee and the dress code are all on the club's page, and the events calendar shows the theme for the night you are planning. Turning up on a fetish night in a cocktail dress is a story, not a disaster, but it is avoidable.
What the money is for
Expect three charges: an annual or one-off membership (this is how clubs operate legally as private clubs), a per-night cover, and drinks. Many on-premise clubs in the United States are BYOB because of liquor licensing, so the listing will say whether to bring a bottle. None of these fees buys anything from anyone; they are the cost of the room.
The first hour
- The tour. Most clubs walk new couples through the building: the bar, the dance floor, the lockers, and the play areas with the house rules for each. Take it. It tells you where the exits are, where the staff are, and what the rooms actually look like.
- The bar. Sit at it. The bar is where people talk, and bartenders at lifestyle clubs are the best-connected people in the room. Tell them it is your first time; they will introduce you to couples who are good with first-timers.
- The dance floor. This is where most first nights happen and end, and that is fine. Clubs are judged by their dance floors for a reason.
How people approach each other
Couples talk to couples. The usual approach is a conversation at the bar or on the floor, a dance, and then a question: "would you two like to join us?", "are you playing tonight?" or just "what are you looking for?". Both answers are normal. "We're just looking tonight" ends the conversation politely and nobody is offended; it is said a hundred times a night in every club in the country.
A few things are universal: no means no, instantly and without debate; touching anyone without a clear yes is how people are removed; and a couple is a couple, so the conversation includes both of them. Anyone who separates partners, pushes after a no, or treats a single woman as the night's entertainment is the person the club wants to hear about. Tell the staff. They would rather lose one membership than a reputation.
If you do play
Agree your own rules in the car before you go in and stick to them inside. Soft swap, full swap, same room only, no kissing, a signal that means "we're leaving": every couple has a version, and the couples who stay happy are the ones who decided theirs sober and in advance. Clubs provide condoms, towels and showers; use all three. Play areas have their own rules (clothing, watching, how to join a group) that the tour will have covered, and the simplest one is that an open door is an invitation to watch, not to join.
Afterwards
Talk about it on the way home, whatever happened. The couples who go back are the ones who treat the first visit as a date that went somewhere unusual, not as a test either of them could fail.
Before you book
The fastest way to take the fear out of a first visit is to arrive knowing somebody. Lifestyle couples near you list the clubs they go to on their profiles, and most clubs have a group where regulars answer first-timer questions before the weekend. Then pick a venue: swinger clubs by state, house parties, or hotel takeovers if a full weekend away sounds easier than a Saturday night.