Is Poly an orientation?
I have been married to my husband for 11 years. Together 14. This is my first monogamous marriage. My reaction to this kind of relationship was to sexually shut down. I found other ways to show affection but had no sexual desire for my husband. After my doctor told me hat my health would not improve living near mold, my husband told me he wasn't going with me. My reaction was to sleep with a few men, and it was awesome to feel like myself again. He found out... and tried, almost successfully, to commit suicide.
After moving, we reconciled, and he came up to Denver. (We really love each other, but having sex with him feels like I am in a cage) and his one condition is monogamy. If I am not monogamous, we divorce. If we divorce, he will end his life.
(I know this is not in my realm of responsibility, but I really do love this man, and it would effectively emotionally end me for him to die)
This feels like trying to come out of the closet again. I have not come in months, but we are having sex regularly.
I feel that being poly is an orientation, like being gay or straight. This feels like I married a woman hoping she would change me. I am at that age where I really must follow my heart right now, but this situation has me socially isolated in a new city, and functionally celibate. My capacity has always been to love more than one at a time, but I thought it was just a capacity, not an orientation.
I really don't know the answer. All of my answers failed. Is there any research out there that supports being poly out of orientation? Any experiences? I would appreciate any comments.
I had no idea this was such a serious problem for you. You need to get into a group of similar people and talk about all of this. You cannot sit alone with this. You need support. Poly is certainly an orientation of several people committed to one another as a group. Non-monogamy (or an open relationship) is also a type of relationship that is very successful in the gay and bi world. But it only works where people are committed to one another and feel safe.
I'm very interested in polyI believe that three people could have better dynamics of just two.As a bi man this is even better because it would fulfill my sexuality.
Yes but you would be responsible for also fulfilling the sexuality of two people not one. I am not saying no, but three has always been my worst number, rarely ever works for me... (and no fault there just my part of the experiences that went south fast)
I'm very interested in polyI believe that three people could have better dynamics of just two.As a bi man this is even better because it would fulfill my sexuality.
So: orientation refers to the sexuality of one person or a whole group. One gay man or all the gay men. Formal relationship structures like monogamy polyamory and polygamy for example contain individuals that have orientations. Straight couple is two straight people, each has the same orientation. The structure is maybe monogamy. That's not an orientation because two men two women and the man n woman can all have monogamous relationships. Polyamory is no different. It's the formal structure not an orientation. But the individuals in a poly relationship have an orientation.
Sorry about all the problems and sadness around this, for you -- it sounds rough. I've never had anything like that going-on for me but I've struggled to understand who I am. I often refer to myself as "poly" just because it's easier than the 20 minute talk I'd have to do if I accurately described who I am as far as sexuality. As others said it's not a simple matter and labels are never the full story. More important than landing on any one orientation is to be honest with yourself and let yourself be whatever you want. You don't have to call yourself one thing and stick to that if you want something else one day. You don't have to feel ashamed that you wanted it. The most liberating thing I ever did was to stop connecting my self worth and morality to who I wanted to be, sexually. I was always something of a "closet" exhibitionist, myself, and thought of myself as flawed, weird, and awkward because of it. Then I embraced it and realized why shouldn't I be able to enjoy it? I can go to nude beaches and other places where it's accepted and be myself.
Point I'm trying to make is be honest with yourself and your partners, at all times. If you feel a desire, don't push it away, and be willing to negotiate with partners to figure-out how to work that into whatever arrangement you have. That part isn't easy, because sex is always a bit complicated. But you can explore and enjoy things on your own terms. There are supportive ways to get into a poly-ish lifestyle.
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