A good lifestyle party is a dinner party with a different second half, and it succeeds or fails on the same thing: the host did the work beforehand. This is how experienced hosts build a guest list, set the rules, stock the house, run the night and stay on the right side of the law.
The guest list is the party
Everything else is logistics. For a first party, invite eight to twelve couples plus one or two single women, every one of whom at least one host has met in person at a club, a social or a previous party. Do not fill the list from unverified profiles, do not let guests bring a plus-one you have not met, and do not invite single men to a first party at all; once you have hosted a few, you can add one or two you know well, and the rules for them are stricter than for anyone else in the room. Keep a reserve list, because a third of any list will drop out in the last two days.
Vet in the open. Tell invitees that you ask every guest for a verified profile on the site and a meeting beforehand, and that nobody minds; the couples you want are the ones who are relieved to hear it. Hosts who run parties through a private group get the vetting half done, since the group already knows who is who.
Invitations
Send them two to three weeks out, privately, with the date, the time window (a start and an end), the address only after confirmation, the dress code, the house rules, what to bring, and a line that says couples only arrive and leave together. Ask for a yes or no by a fixed date. Post the party on the party listings only if you want applicants you then vet; if you want a closed room, do not post it anywhere.
House rules, written down
Read them aloud at the start, when everyone has a drink and nobody has gone upstairs. The core set that experienced hosts use:
- No means no, said once. Anyone who pushes after a no is asked to leave, and the host does the asking.
- Ask before you touch. Including partners of people you are talking to.
- Couples stay as couples. Nobody separates a partner from the other, and nobody takes someone upstairs without the partner knowing.
- Phones in the box. Collected at the door or left in the coat room. One photo ends the party for everyone.
- Doors. Open door means watching is welcome; joining requires asking. Closed door means private.
- Condoms every time. The host's supply, in every room, not negotiable.
- Drunk means done. Anyone visibly drunk is out of the play rooms, kindly, for the rest of the night.
Supplies
Buy more than you think. Condoms in at least two sizes in a bowl in every room, water-based lubricant in pump bottles, a stack of towels in each bedroom and a laundry basket outside the door, spare sheets, wipes, trash cans with lids in every room, hand soap and paper towels in every bathroom, bottled water everywhere, mouthwash. A box of disposable toothbrushes gets used more than you expect. Our safer sex guide covers what else to put out and why.
Bedrooms, play rooms and the rest of the house
Decide which rooms are which and label them. A typical layout is a social floor (kitchen, living room, patio) that stays social all night, one or two private rooms with doors that close, and one open play room with the door propped open and the lights low. Mattresses on the floor of the open room are easier to cover and clean than beds. Keep one bathroom for the social floor and one for the play rooms. Your own bedroom is either a play room or locked; nothing in between works. Keep pets and anything personal (photos, mail, your children's things if you have children, who should of course be elsewhere for the night) behind a locked door.
Music, food and alcohol
Music at a level people can talk over, playlist set in advance so nobody is at your laptop. Food that can be eaten standing up and does not stain: cheese, fruit, finger food, nothing with sauce. Most hosts run bring-your-own alcohol and supply mixers, ice and water, which keeps the cost reasonable and keeps you out of the business of selling drinks. Pour generously early, slow down by midnight, and have coffee ready. The play rooms are for the sober; that is a safety rule and a quality rule.
The legal lines
Hosting consenting adults in your own home is legal almost everywhere, and private parties are how a large part of the lifestyle has always run. The trouble starts when a home starts to look like a business. In the United States, cities near Dallas and Phoenix have used zoning, sex-club ordinances and live-performance rules against residential parties that charged admission and ran every weekend, and homeowners' associations have sued over parties with a $75 per couple entry fee as a commercial use of a residence. In Canada, a Quebec municipality went after a swingers' home under zoning rules against commercial use even though the owner said the cover only paid for the hot tub, towels and cleaning. The working rules experienced hosts follow:
- No admission charge. Ask for a contribution toward costs if you must, never a ticket price, and never advertise one.
- Do not advertise publicly. A closed guest list is a private party. A public post with an address and a price is a venue.
- Keep it occasional. Weekly parties with cars lining the street are what neighbors report.
- Noise, parking and neighbors. Most complaints that reach a council or a court started as a parking complaint.
- Everyone is an adult, with ID. Check it. No exceptions, no "they look fine".
- Check your own jurisdiction and any HOA or lease rules. If you are renting, read the lease before the first invitation.
Cleanup and the morning after
Set an end time and hold it. The last hour is coffee and goodbyes on the social floor, not the play rooms. Strip every bed, bag every towel, empty every trash can and run the first load before you sleep, because it is far worse in daylight. The next day, message every guest with a thank you, ask quietly whether anyone had a problem with anyone, and act on what you hear. Hosts who do that are the ones whose next party fills in a day, and the ones members nearby ask to be introduced to. If hosting turns out not to be your thing, the clubs and parties in the directory have already done all of the above.