Swinger club etiquette comes down to one sentence: ask everyone, hear every no, and leave nothing behind but your towel. The specifics below are what regulars quietly expect from anyone who walks through the door, and they are the difference between a couple that gets invited back and a couple that gets talked about.
If you have never been inside a club at all, read what actually happens on a first visit first. This guide assumes you know the layout and want to behave like someone who belongs.
Asking
Everything at a club starts with a conversation, and the conversation includes both halves of a couple. Talk at the bar, on the dance floor, or in the lounge, for long enough to know their names and what they are looking for. Then ask directly. "Would you two like to join us?" and "Are you playing tonight?" are the standard forms. Flirting is fine; hinting for an hour and hoping is a waste of everybody's night.
Hands stay to yourself until you have a yes. A hand on a back, a kiss, a lean in: each one is asked for, not assumed, and the yes has to come from the person you are touching, not from their partner. "Is it okay if I kiss you?" is said out loud in clubs every weekend by people who have been doing this for twenty years, because it works.
Hearing no
No means no, instantly, without debate and without a second attempt later in the evening. "No thank you" and "we're just looking tonight" are complete sentences; so is a partner's shake of the head. A couple that hears a no and smiles and moves on is remembered as a couple worth playing with next month. A couple that asks why, or comes back after another drink, is the couple the staff are already watching.
The reverse holds too. You can say no at any point, including in the playroom, including halfway through, and the other couple is expected to stop. If someone does not, tell staff immediately. Clubs act on this; their whole business depends on it.
Couples stay couples
Invitations go to a couple, decisions are made by a couple, and both partners walk into the playroom together. Working on one partner while the other is at the bar, or pressing a hesitant partner because their spouse said yes, is the most reliable way to be asked to leave and the thing regulars warn each other about by name. If one half of a couple is a no, the couple is a no.
A couple is also expected to be a real one. Two friends posing as a couple to get past a singles policy is lying to the club and to everyone who plays with them, and clubs ban for it.
Hygiene
Shower before you come, and shower again at the club between partners; every on-premise club has showers and they are not decorative. Fresh breath, trimmed nails, clean feet. Bring a change of underwear. Condoms are provided and are expected for intercourse with anyone who is not your partner, and nobody is embarrassed to reach for one. If you are unwell, stay home; the club will still be there next week.
Playroom rules
- An open door is an invitation to watch, not to join. Join only when invited, and ask before sitting on the bed. Watch from a respectful distance and do not hover over anyone.
- A closed door means private. Do not knock.
- Towels down, always. Clubs provide them. Sit and lie on your own towel on any shared surface, and drop used towels in the bin provided.
- Clothing rules are posted. Some group rooms require nudity, some require a towel; the tour tells you. Street shoes stay out of play areas.
- Group rooms are mostly couples and single women. Single men are usually admitted only by invitation or on specific nights, and a single man who wanders in uninvited is removed.
- Clean up and leave the space as you found it. Used condoms go in the bin, not on the floor, and you do not take a room for an hour to talk.
Phones and cameras
No photos, no video, no exceptions, and in most clubs no phone in your hand past the bar. Many clubs make members sign a no-photography agreement and some require phones to be locked up. One picture of a stranger ends your membership and, in several states, could be a crime. If you need your phone, go to the lobby.
Drinking
Drink enough to relax, not enough to misjudge a no. Most clubs refuse play-area entry to anyone visibly drunk, and anyone who cannot consent clearly cannot play. At BYOB clubs, which most on-premise clubs in the United States are because of liquor licensing, your bottle is checked in at the door, labeled with your membership number and served back to you by staff; you do not pour from it yourself or share it with the room. Arrange a ride home before you arrive.
Tipping and money
Tip the bartenders, the staff who store and mix your bottle, coat check and locker attendants, as you would anywhere. Do not tip other members, do not offer money for anything, and do not ask. Clubs operate as private membership clubs precisely because nothing is for sale inside them, and anyone who treats the room like a marketplace is removed.
Dress
Dress up. Most clubs enforce a dress code at the door: cocktail wear, lingerie, a shirt with a collar for men, no sportswear, no jeans on a weekend. Theme nights are posted on the club's events page, and dressing for them is expected, not optional. Lockers are there so you can change into something you would not wear in the parking lot.
What gets you banned
- Touching without a clear yes.
- Asking again after a no.
- Any photograph or video of anyone.
- Splitting up a couple or pressuring one partner.
- Entering a group room or a closed-door room uninvited.
- Being too drunk to consent or to recognize consent.
- Faking a couple, or lying about your age or STI status.
- Offering or asking for money.
Clubs in the same city talk to each other, and a ban at one often travels. Regulars do not get banned, and not because they are lucky.
The short version
Ask everyone, out loud. Accept every no with a smile. Stay a couple. Shower, towel, condom. Phone away. Tip the bar. Dress up. Do that and the regulars will introduce you around, which is how the lifestyle has always worked. Find a venue in the club directory, check the night's theme on the events calendar, and if you would rather meet a couple before the weekend, the member directory and local groups are where regulars say hello first.